Letter To The Bank
Thursday, February 19th, 2009I bring you a Letter To The Bank that a 98 year old woman in the UK wrote to hers. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the Times, and now I share it with you…
Dear Sir,
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavored
to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must
have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my
account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the
automatic monthly deposit of my Pension, an arrangement, which, I admit,
has been in place for only thirty eight years. You are to be commended
for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my
account £30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused
me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I
personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to
contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-
recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on, I,
like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.
My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be
automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed personally
and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be
aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to
open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status
which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to
eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your
bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies
of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Solicitor, and
the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts,
assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course, I will issue your employee with PIN number which he/she
must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than
28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses
required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.
As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press
buttons as follows:
1. To make an appointment to see me.
2. To query a missing payment.
3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to
nature.
6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7. To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my
computer is required. A password will be communicated to you at a later
date to the Authorized Contact.)
8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through
to 8.
9. To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will
then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering
service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting
music will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.
Your Humble Client
…This is so well thought out. Have you ever wanted to write a Letter To The Bank?
